"So that I may hide in its dark embrace and go to meet my heart's delight"
quibble, but - pee ka sang dai de is much more passive and prayer-ful (plea-ful?) than your line.
"My bashful feet still quietly stand While lust is tugging at my hand"
bashful feet for laaj roke is fine, pretty much. but changing 'moh' to lust feels very wrong. moh is more desire, attachment - you could take poetic license to the extent of 'hunger' maybe - but lust is very sexual, dunno if appropriate.
"There's something I've earned with my breaking" gavaa dena is not breaking. it's losing something with slightly different connotations - connotations of having wasted it, or rather, having let it go to waste rather than using it well.
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and go to meet my heart's delight"
quibble, but - pee ka sang dai de is much more passive and prayer-ful (plea-ful?) than your line.
"My bashful feet still quietly stand
While lust is tugging at my hand"
bashful feet for laaj roke is fine, pretty much. but changing 'moh' to lust feels very wrong. moh is more desire, attachment - you could take poetic license to the extent of 'hunger' maybe - but lust is very sexual, dunno if appropriate.
"There's something I've earned with my breaking"
gavaa dena is not breaking. it's losing something with slightly different connotations - connotations of having wasted it, or rather, having let it go to waste rather than using it well.